Naice Cilmeo by Alina|
Disclaimer: Not mine at all.
Summary: Even the choices the heart makes are never easy, for they can break a soul as well as heal it. Sometimes they do both.
Note: I did my best with the Quenya and apologise in advance for the mistakes I might have made
Is Naice Cilmeo
The Pain of Choice
Darkness fills this realm of light and my heart weeps for it.
I know it is I who brought such despair here. A fool I was for believing I had locked my doubts safely within my heart, making sure they would never break free to crawl upon me like a wild beast in the night. And yet they did when I least expected it.
Not long before this moment of misery my heart was soaring like a bird, free of the worries of the world. I can still feel the lightness I enjoyed, but now I understand the selfishness that unwittingly accompanied it.
How could I forget that we never makes choices for ourselves alone?
How could I willingly bring such sorrow where I should keep kindling happiness?
My gaze wanders towards the sky, helplessly seeking the guidance of the stars that are not visible tonight. Even they have withdrawn from me, denying their help, and I feel the weight of their judgement settle upon my aching shoulders. The storm clouds hang low, almost touching the branches of the trees as if intending to infect them with darkness. I am unsure whether they will be able to withstand, even after eras of defying the evil breath of Mordor.
The only glimmer of light still reaching my eyes gently floats from the pool of water before me. Such reassuring innocence following the horrors that went before! I needed to see, I needed to verify my choice by a glimpse at what I had expected to be joy.
And yet, had my choice been sound, would I have needed it verified?
I should not have been surprised to see loved eyes fill with tears. The despair should have been mine, not theirs. My refusal to take it upon myself lashed out at those closest to me and I shall have to bear the consequences.
My heart aches with the knowledge that no matter which path I choose, my steps upon it shall crush the heart of a loved one. My only choice left is whom to destroy.
The weight of my sorrow heavily tugs at my limbs and I sit, the soft floor of the wood feeling unstable beneath me.
My heart begins to drag me down further and my breath catches, choking me. I am falling, sinking, my cheek pressed into the grass. The musty smell of the earth fills me and I will the grounds to open and swallow me. Then the darkness shall be complete. I deserve no less.
It is then that I hear it, a gentle humming that caresses me before transforming into words.
I know the voice yet what it sings is new to me.
Words float above me, out of reach, and yet I cannot help but hear them. I close my eyes, the images provoked by the song appearing beneath my lids.
Aiya! // Behold!
Aiwe lona qesserya paylas, A dark bird spreads its feathers,
Hroarya is ambra haylas. Its shadow shrouds the world..//
Aye, I can see it. The vulture of my heart that I mistook for the dove of love. Its wings grow and spread, and I can see as if from its mighty back how darkness swallows everything that we cross. The wood falls into despair, and not far away the mountains loom. I weep at the knowledge that the safe haven which lies beyond shall fall down the black pit as well.
Vantalmen vanyas //Our path disappears
A yelma qatis indolmir. And fear fills our hearts.
Ve hirimne is cala atta? How shall we find the light again?//
No longer do I sit astride the monster I created but I stand within its shadow myself. The darkness that envelops me is so complete it is like a solid wall, wrapping itself around me until I can no longer breathe.
And yet, I hear breaths. I startle, my ears straining. Yes, there are others here with me. I can sense them clearly now, behind my back. I can feel their eyes piercing the darkness, never finding me and yet never wavering in their efforts. Is it truly me they seek? They wish for light, and that I cannot give to them. I stand before them as if meant for guidance and yet it is I who needs a hand to lead me away from this despair.
Tantar atarva nirer si vanta? //Do a father´s tears show the way?
Eas cala ó-amil halda? Does happiness lie with a mother?//
The image jumps at me in the clinging darkness and I cannot escape, for my eyes will not close. I see Ada´s face, so filled with misery that it seems to crumble from within. His strength shines bright, defiant, but it cannot halt the decay that eats his soul.
I remember now. I have seen this before my foolish glance into the mirror today. So many seasons have passed and this image has not been with me for almost long enough for me to forget it. No, not forget. Hide. I hid it within my soul for I feared I would be too weak to bear it.
Even so, Ada does not carry this weight alone. As the image broadens I can tell that his pain is shared by Nana. Her eyes are broken as well, her soul in torment as she looks back upon us one last time. I am shrouded in my own misery, mirroring Ada´s. Beside me, I can feel the double flame of hatred burn bright where my brothers stand, their own eyes stormy, their own sadness hidden beneath a relentless lust for revenge.
Darkness descended upon my family in those shadowed times, almost breaking us all, though in different ways. Barely we endured, barely we healed.
And now my choice shall rip the wounds open once more.
Ai, is naice cilmeo! //Alas, the pain of choice!
Váso eas naretya Consuming is your fire
Tintatye indonye. You set aflame my heart.
Man cenye ter rúnya? What do I see in the flame?//
Pain erupts in my heart and I can feel fresh heat flooding my veins. My sobs break from me and I weep, hot tears scorching my cheeks. The pain threatens to bring me to my knees and I can feel myself straining for the lifeline of the song, but it is no more than a gentle humming now, far away.
No more words to provoke an image that might save me.
I pull myself straight with an effort, and there, before me in the dark, the fading images of my family watch me. The pain is still with them, four sets of eyes focused on me.
Waiting for me to verify my choice and seal their doom.
I see my father open his mouth, and now I can sense kindness beneath the sadness that fills his features. "When making a choice, look both ways."
I can hear him now as if he were standing beside me. The phrase is not new to me. Neither is this my first choice. Yet the pain has never been so strong, and it drowned this simple wisdom from my soul.
Suddenly, the darkness seems to lift ever so slightly. I cannot see the source of light, but even so I feel some of the paralysing weight fall away.
As my senses reawaken, I realise that I can still hear breathing behind me. I can still feel many eyes straining against the gloom, but more and more gazes find now me in the blooming light. Their gentle caress is loving. Who would look upon me like that if not my family? Yet it cannot be them, for they are right before me, waiting still.
I need to dare and look behind me. I need to choose.
As I turn, the light brightens. In its rays I can see them now, men and women. Human and yet not. Their features are strong, their grey eyes full of eagerness. There is a burning will in them, a will to live and to love and to fill the world. The row of waiting figures extends as far as my eyes can see, and the more the light strengthens, the more souls appear out of the darkness.
I do not know them and yet I do. While I am watching them, I can see movement within their midst and they start to make way for one of their own. One of my own.
My own love.
I reach out my hand, seeking to touch Aragorn´s cheek as he approaches, and suddenly all doubt is washed away. I need to be with him. I need him as he needs me. I need this new family yet to be created.
Hand still straining towards the man who holds my heart and soul, I turn my head and see my elven family fading. They do so slowly. Pain still lingers with them, but so is love and understanding.
I close my eyes and inhale deeply, catching the fragrance of Imladris, mingling with the unmistakable scent that is my Aragorn, my Estel. I can feel his skin burning against my fingertips and then he is gone, replaced by a gentle breeze.
I open my eyes slowly and see the skies above me. Stormy clouds still chase each other across the night sky and the golden trees groan in the wind, yet one star has emerged from the darkness to cast its light upon me.
I feel a gentle hand in my hair, a soft touch reminding me of my mother. Galadriel´s voice is as melodious as before, even though she is no longer singing.
"Ah, my Arwen Undómiel. So many shall yet follow your guiding star."
My gaze travels upwards towards the light whose name I bear and I smile as my tears fall softly, wetting the grounds of Lothlórien.